uschapters
Hard times in New York Town


Tag: Gadgets


How to reshape your baby’s head


Last spring, I started noticing babies wearing weird head protection that basically resembled rugby helmets. At first I got really scared, because it made the babies look like they had just been hit by a bus and had to deal with a bad skull fracture. I felt awful for the moms and babies, and thus deliberately avoided the subject because moms usually hate the “oh god, what happened to Kevin?” conversation.

A few days later, I went to the girls’ pediatrician and noticed ads for cranialtech, “reshaping children’s life”. Once again, I had it all wrong.

It is just an efficient solution to reshape your baby’s head. I guess that originally, that thing had been designed for kids suffering plagiocephaly (I am copy-pasting the website but you’ll have to admit that the word “plagiocephaly” is really chic). But the market of moms wanting to produce a Gattaca offspring being juicy, why limit yourself?

Pregnancy – gadgets


How could I survive two pregnancies without a babypod?

 

For those who don’t get the concept (it took me a while to figure out) here is the explanation. For 134.81 dollars you get both a vibrator and the insurance that your foetus maximises his chances to become Mozart. Can’t believe you are still hesitating.

Shut up, I'm trying to make new friends

Fashion toolkit


After a careful observation of my new environment, this is my own personal list of “must haves to adjust to my new aggressive surrounding”.

  • A subscription to the New Yorker (although I still don’t know whether I am supposed to actually read it – is conspicuously carrying it around good enough?)
  • A pair of blue polarized Ray Bans
  • Two pairs of sweatpants (same here: am I supposed to go to the gym? Am I supposed to enrol in fitness class (please tell me that’s not true)? Or can I just show my chubby ass in the sweatpants?)
  • Two T-shirts with a cool message (or so I hope – to wear with the sweatpants): one says “fuck yeah Jacques Chirac”. The other is a souvenir from Burma that says “moustache brothers”.

Yep, I am 100% ready.