uschapters
Hard times in New York Town


Tag: CV


violence, a bad activity (linkedin legend)

Linkedin, revolution through slogans


One year after I enrolled in Linkedin. Linkedin didn’t help me find a job. But it did help me waste a lot of time, including for finding 347 friends.

What I tend to find particularly weird is the news feed. Among the revolutionary “X is  celebrating 3 years with X firm », which is always being politely liked by 10 people, it’s a real banquet of bad slogans. I guess that being friend with their boss, or their bosses boss, petrifies all my linkedin friends. But the phrases they like or create look exactly like a bad corporate brochure.

Examples (excerpts from today’s newsfeed):

“you want to win? promote more women”

“If a cluttered desis a sigof a cluttered mindjust what does an empty desk mean?” by super-likable Einstein

Bad Facebook picture (even for a woman who loves her kids)

Linkedin-ed


You wake up one morning and you realize you’re going to have to create a linkedin account.

You hate the idea, you just HATE to give away so many data because you are a real Snowden fan – you even gave Facebook a false birthday so the big bad Web does not your birthday, yep, you are a true rebel.

But you want the money and the financial autonomy more than you want to be unknown on the internet. So you decide to sign a pact with the devil, basically copy-pasting your resume and sending invites to everyone you know. And you wait.

After one week, nothing happens, except you pretentiously divide your linkedin-friends into type-profiles. (more…)

I also survived a war and fought lions

Supersize me – Part 2


Workshop: americanise your CV.

Below, the CV of my daughter Charlotte.

CV1: Charlotte in real life

Nicknames: red, reddy

Skills

  • witnesses any sharp object in the distance and manages to dive to get it in a nanosecond
  • her poop is the exact color of the previous meal

Hobbies

  • running gags (circa pickaboo)
  • oh god this red thing looks so freaking amazing I gotta get it I gotta get it gimme that red thing for Christ’s sake

CV2: Charlotte’s European CV

Diplomas: APGAR test : scored 10 at 0 min, 10 at 10 minutes

Skills

  • One teeth
  • Rolling from lying on back to lying on stomach : advanced
  • Rolling from lying on stomach to lying on back : beginner

Hobbies: Communication through smiles and looks

Miscellaneous: Immunisation record up-to-date (more…)

Miscellaneous: Volunteering, started as a 6 years old. Leader in counselling and logistics at a local NGO. Over 530 meals distributed, successful counselling in 30 cases; logistics, PPPs, psychological support

Supersize me – the CV – part 1


I translated my French CV thoroughly. But I start noticing that all the job offers request me to be an “outstanding candidate”.

I don’t think that I will ever be an outstanding candidate for anything. For all I know, In Europe, you are never really expected to be outstanding, that words strictly applies to Obama and Beyonce. Basically you would be expected to meet the academic and professional requirements and also be a super-nice person.

The thing is, I have started to understand that an American application is just a super-sized version of yourself. You should never lie, but should not be afraid to FUCKING overdo it.

So I have changed my CV. It does now scream that I am witty, smart, task-oriented, easy to adjust to multicultural environments, multi-skilled, generous, a good cook. And I ran a marathon.

This sure hasn’t found me a job, but when I look at my CV, I do have the feeling that people should organise wrestling contests to hire me. This is a comforting feeling.