uschapters
Hard times in New York Town


jobs


Labradors, pool men and partners enjoying a sunny afternoon (wall painting, boudoir, the Hamptons)

The business lunch


I am very concerned about having no network, so I ask two partners at a (huge) corporate law firm for mentoring. My former boss from Europe introduces me.

Good thing = I get free lunch.

Bad things:

  • The partners (two women) are scary as hell. They look exactly like Valentino – maybe the orange liquid foundation has something to do with it.
  • They seem to love talking about things I don’t have a clue about. Mostly two subjects catch their attention: Labradors and pool men (sentence of the day: “the best decision I ever made was changing pool men”). I have nothing to say, so I just enjoy the show, noticing the dialogs are delightfully Tarentino-like.
The day you stop looking for an office job and consider working on Time Square

List of the days


– The first day, you blink. Right in front of you, two women are wearing a blue TShirt, with a huge and aggressive message “are you free from sin”? They stand across a set-up with the huge mention “Bible crusade”. Nobody except you seems to find it super weird.

– The day you realise the bible crusade thing is actually completely normal (it took me about three months).

– The day you sing at the top of your lungs “New York is cold but I like where I’m living, there’s music on Clinton Street all through evening”.

– The day you naturally say “God bless you” to someone on the street.

– The day you decide you have THE idea for THE new startup: printing New York maps mentioning the locations of famous songs, or movies. The next morning, you wake up realising there is actually no business model behind this so great idea. But you have thought about doing something, that might be a good sign.

– the day you give up with the celsius vs fahrenheit conversion. And you look super concerned when someone mentions his baby’s “101 °F” fever although actually, you have no idea if this is high.

– the day you are craving for a third meal with solely meat, after bacon and eggs for breakfast and a huge Philly steak sandwich for lunch.

– and all the normal days, where you are so bored looking for a job that you end up compiling frantically the tiniest piece of information regarding Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt’s break up (yes, that was a long time ago). And you solemnly declare that you root for Angie.

Bad Facebook picture (even for a woman who loves her kids)

Linkedin-ed


You wake up one morning and you realize you’re going to have to create a linkedin account.

You hate the idea, you just HATE to give away so many data because you are a real Snowden fan – you even gave Facebook a false birthday so the big bad Web does not your birthday, yep, you are a true rebel.

But you want the money and the financial autonomy more than you want to be unknown on the internet. So you decide to sign a pact with the devil, basically copy-pasting your resume and sending invites to everyone you know. And you wait.

After one week, nothing happens, except you pretentiously divide your linkedin-friends into type-profiles. (more…)

lunch break: rebroadcasting of Fear factor

Notes of a dirty old lazy slacker


Between two lazy job searches on Idealist, you mollusquely look at pictures of cats endlessly running in Ikea stores, wondering where the world is going.

Yep. Being unemployed is a real job.

I also survived a war and fought lions

Supersize me – Part 2


Workshop: americanise your CV.

Below, the CV of my daughter Charlotte.

CV1: Charlotte in real life

Nicknames: red, reddy

Skills

  • witnesses any sharp object in the distance and manages to dive to get it in a nanosecond
  • her poop is the exact color of the previous meal

Hobbies

  • running gags (circa pickaboo)
  • oh god this red thing looks so freaking amazing I gotta get it I gotta get it gimme that red thing for Christ’s sake

CV2: Charlotte’s European CV

Diplomas: APGAR test : scored 10 at 0 min, 10 at 10 minutes

Skills

  • One teeth
  • Rolling from lying on back to lying on stomach : advanced
  • Rolling from lying on stomach to lying on back : beginner

Hobbies: Communication through smiles and looks

Miscellaneous: Immunisation record up-to-date (more…)

Miscellaneous: Volunteering, started as a 6 years old. Leader in counselling and logistics at a local NGO. Over 530 meals distributed, successful counselling in 30 cases; logistics, PPPs, psychological support

Supersize me – the CV – part 1


I translated my French CV thoroughly. But I start noticing that all the job offers request me to be an “outstanding candidate”.

I don’t think that I will ever be an outstanding candidate for anything. For all I know, In Europe, you are never really expected to be outstanding, that words strictly applies to Obama and Beyonce. Basically you would be expected to meet the academic and professional requirements and also be a super-nice person.

The thing is, I have started to understand that an American application is just a super-sized version of yourself. You should never lie, but should not be afraid to FUCKING overdo it.

So I have changed my CV. It does now scream that I am witty, smart, task-oriented, easy to adjust to multicultural environments, multi-skilled, generous, a good cook. And I ran a marathon.

This sure hasn’t found me a job, but when I look at my CV, I do have the feeling that people should organise wrestling contests to hire me. This is a comforting feeling.